Lou love (loudiamond) wrote,
Lou love

Review: Supernova

This movie has a decent, by which I mean recognizable, cast:
James Spader (Sex, Lies, and Videotape), Angela Bassett (How Stella Got her Groove Back), Peter Facinelli (Can’t Hardly Wait), Robin Tunney (The Craft), Wilson Cruz (My So-Called Life), as well as, of course, Lou.

Lou plays a character named Yerzy. Yerzy. That pretty much sums up all you need to know about this disaster of a sci-fi film.

It’s set in space, on a medical rescue ship, that for some reason only has six people on board. One of these is Wilson Cruz who has a very special relationship with the ship’s computer, which he calls “Sweetie”. Seriously. More confusing than this, however, is the fact that he has programmed Sweetie to have a female voice, despite being very, very gay. There is no possible way for this man to play straight.

Within the first twenty minutes of the movie, the ship receives a distress call and goes jaunting through space to save the person, which, I suppose, in their job, being in the medical rescue business and all that. However, they don’t really go into that. They also don’t go into the fact that the captain explodes mid-transit. I’m not really sure how. I’m not even sure the movie knows.

Then they pick up Peter Facinelli, who is just as ugly and creepy as usual. Even creepier, though, is a scene in which Lou proposes breeding with Robin Tunney. Granted, they are involved in a romantic relationship, but in this world you need a breeding license or something like that, and it’s all very odd and disturbing. Sure, he’s getting some in this movie, but I might prefer the ones where he’s left high and dry.

Peter has some kind of an alien artifact, which Lou finds. Then Peter screws Lou’s girlfriend. It’s okay, though, because Lou’s busy getting it on with the artifact, which appears to be some kind of an orgasm rock. Or, that’s what I’m guessing from the expression on his face as he “bonds” with in.

This leads to the best scene in the movie, where Lou has been “changed” by the rock, and is doing handstand pushups, shirtless. A-mazing. He...glistens.

Then Peter starts killing people, booting both Robin and Lou from the ship, and ending any interest I had in Supernova.

I kept watching however. The movie only had about twenty minutes left, but that, unfortunately, ended up feeling like seventeen hours. So very, very lame.

Peter and Angela fight, Peter and Wilson fight, Peter loses his eyebrows (god only knows how) and starts to change into what Corinne called a “lizard-man”, but I pretty much just thought was Peter without eyebrows and a slight glow-y pink tinge.

Peter manages to kill Wilson, but not before he has a touching goodbye with his girlfriend, the computer. Sweetie is very sad to see him go.

Then Angela and James explode the alien artifact, which is a bomb, except somewhat the reverse. It destroys while creating, apparently. The best explanation I could come up with was that it created a Big Bang, like an explosion that brings things into being. However, when it goes off, it kills Peter, but not Angela and James, because they’re in a totally different room. Right. Very powerful bomb. I can see why they were worried about it destroying the universe.

Then they go back to the interstellar jumping pods, but only one has survived the wreckage. James wants Angela to go, but she insists he come with her. He points out they might be morphed into one being or something, but she’s cool with it, because she loves him, and that’s almost like sex, but a lot more permanent.

In the end they come out, embracing like a United Colors of Benetton ad. They don’t appear to be attached in any way, but then you see that they each have one brown eye, and one blue. I’m pretty sure the movie implied that they switched eyeballs, which is actually really disgusting. Then the computer informs Angela that she’s pregnant, making the whole thing seem a lot more like sex.

Oh, and there’s something about the blast, that didn’t reach them in the next room, traveling through space and reaching Earth in 51 years, when it will either destroy all life or make us into much more intelligent beings. Poignant in that sense of...not.

As if I haven’t said this about a Lou movie before: This is a really, really terrible movie. Even all the shirtless guys and the gay man/computer love don’t make up for it.


Overall rating: C.

Lou Rating: D. Sadly small part. The only good thing is his mating with the orgasm rock.

Peyote Use: None. So tragic. It really would have improved the movie. There wasn’t even any mention of his nationality. Maybe it doesn’t matter in space. But I love it when he plays something he totally isn’t. So I’ve decided that, once again, he’s playing Inuit. And I get to decide these things, because I’m the only person who cares about this movie.

Best Line: From Peter to Angela. “Stars die so that we may live.”
Yeah, Peter, that makes a ton of sense.

Sexiness Factor: B-. Sure, he’s shirtless a lot, and very built, but he’s graying at the temples. What’s up with that?

Final Thought:
Not even worth a lazy afternoon with nothing else to do.


There he is being all, I don't know, manly, or something.

Lou getting some action. Alright!

Manly again. And yet, named Yerzy.

I assume this is him getting attacked, but I don't know. It could be from some of his "special time" with the orgasm rock.

Oh, yeah. That's why I watched this movie.

Do you see the graying temples? Do you?

Lou does confused like no one else. Oscar, here he comes.

Look at those pecs! You could store stuff between them. That is so moving, I don't even know what to do with myself.

Yes, his arms are the size of Texas. Thank you for asking.

Oh yeah, Yerzy. You work that vest.
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic