This is a movie about a creepy old English dude who has a thing for cattle and stray boys. To indulge the cattle-craving he moves to the Wild West (although I’m sure there were cows enough in England) and gets himself a ranch. To indulge the love of strays (or boys) he takes in “outcasts” to work the ranch. And by “outcasts” we mean “criminals” and, occasionally, “homicidal maniacs.”
However, in the near vicinity there is another cattle rancher (gasp!). This dude’s Irish, meaning he probably wouldn’t love Mr.-English-Rich-Oppressor-Cow-Fetish-Ma
He has his men kill English. The boys don’t take this very well. They set out to get the law to crack down on the murderers. Unfortunately, English’s latest acquisition is none other than Billy the Kid (played marvelously by Emilio Estevez), who goes a wee bit homicidal (or, more likely, was already) and starts taking revenge in a more bloody fashion. The other boys don’t like this, but, despite all having a good foot and a half on dear Emilio, go along with it, riding after him and complaining, and then getting into huge gun fights when Billy decides to randomly shoot people.
These other boys include Dermot Mulroney (My Best Friend’s Wedding), Kiefer Sutherland (some people might list 24 here, but I’m going to go with The Lost Boys), Charlie Sheen (brother of Emilio) and Lou. Also some other dude who is, tragically, not famous (although he did recently provide a voice in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas).
Charlie dies. However, even sadder, is that he and Billy never got along. Tragic to see brothers fight like that. Also, tragic to see how genetics work out. Charlie is so much more attractive than Emilio, that if I were him, I would have just shot myself.
Now, to be honest, this movie is horrible. Really atrocious. I had to struggle to sit through it, despite Lou.
The problem is that his character is rather one-dimensional. He’s the token Indian dude in the Wild West, there to be the butt of Dermot’s Indian/Mexican jokes. Also, he has long flowing locks. And some kick-ass knife throwing skills, which are pretty fun.
However, Lou redeems his character about halfway through the movie when he gives a heart-wrenching speech about why he hates Murphy (Irish): Not only did Murphy kill his boss/ potential-older-male-lover, but he’s responsible for the deaths of Lou’s entire tribe. Harsh, man.
And let me say, I’m not actually being sarcastic when I say this speech is great. Lou’s part is crap, but he really brings it to life here, making the most of what he’s given. It’s moving.
Also, at one point, he randomly decides to put on face paint and take the whole gang into the “spirit world”, by which, of course, he means Peyote!
Lou also gets to live at the end of the movie, and ride a horse in in a beautiful, dramatic way.
Overall rating: D. Painful to watch.
Lou’s performance: B. Solid. Good hair.
Peyote use: A-. The face paint rocked my world.
Opening Sequence: A. Hilarious! A sepia-toned zoom in on each character, followed by a smirk, except from Lou, because, as we all know, Indians are total stoics. Then there’s a lot of shooting, and smoke. I repeat: hilarious! Especially Emilio’s smirk. He looks like an evil leprechaun.
Tagline: B-. Bad, funny, but just not the worst/best thing I've ever seen.
Sexiness factor: A. Even my mother thinks Lou’s sexy in this one. (Although, we don’t get any abs, which is a travesty that one can only hope the sequel properly deals with).
No wonder my mother thinks he's sexy!
Worth seeing? No. Not even the face paint saves this one. It's not even funny-bad. It just sucks.